About sixteen years ago, I watched my girlfriends at our Wednesday night Bible Study, knowing they had something important to say. Unbeknownst to me, they had spoken privately to one of the elders of our small home church a week earlier. They were looking for help. He had suggested they share their struggle with the rest of us.

I knew that these two women were very close friends. I remember being excited when their friendship began. They had so much fun together! Having had several close friendships with women over the years, I knew how important such relationships were. As time progressed, however, I became concerned about this particular relationship. These women were not just spending time together; they were spending every possible waking moment together. And if they couldn’t be together in person, they were talking on the telephone. I worried that their families and responsibilities were being neglected as a result of this quickly growing friendship. I wondered about the intensity behind their emotional closeness, but I suspected nothing more.

While I don’t remember the exact words that were shared that night, I do remember how hard it was for each of them to confess and articulate the struggle that had emerged in their friendship. Indeed, they admitted that their friendship was very close. They believed that God had gifted them with the other’s companionship. They truly treasured and loved one another. But, they also admitted that they were crossing physical boundaries: their relationship was turning sexual. This left them confused and extremely frightened. They were unsure of themselves, their friendship and their relationship with God.

 

What courage it took for my friends to be open about their confusion and struggle! They had no idea how we might react. Ultimately, my friends were met with compassion mixed with curiosity, since the rest of us understood little about same-sex attractions.

 

Since then, I have heard many horror stories of similar situations—stories of men and women conflicted by the presence of sexual feelings and emotional dependency in the midst of what had been an innocent friendship. These men and women also attempted to reach out to their friends, pastors, and family members for help and understanding, only to be met with shock, anger, judgment and rejection. It breaks my heart to know that there are still some human struggles that we, the masses, religious or not, simply cannot deal with in a way that is civilized, patient, and humble.

 

As I listened to my girlfriends that Wednesday evening, I was filled with questions. I knew that both were deeply devoted to Christ, were full of integrity, and sought to live lives of service for the sake of God’s Kingdom. "Why were they drawn to each other in this physical way?" I thought. I was very close to many of my girlfriends, but I never considered inviting such physical affection into my relationships. I had questions, and I wanted answers. Although I was compassionate with my friends, I was also extremely impatient. Their confession had impacted me and I wanted to be relieved of my stress and confusion over their situation. If I could understand their struggle, I thought, then maybe I could deal with it better. Fortunately, my girlfriends were full of compassion and patience towards me.

 

One beautiful sunny day in the Colorado Rockies shortly after this Wednesday night, one of these friends and I went for a hike. We both loved the outdoors and enjoyed the opportunity to get some exercise. But what I recall most is my incessant questioning of my friend. I asked her one "why" question after another. She used the word lesbian--a word that I insisted did not fit her. I asked why she would use such a label. I probed, dug, interrogated and debated. My poor friend was so gracious. She answered what she could. Otherwise she simply and honestly said, "Janelle, I don’t know."

 

Rather quickly into this journey, my small church discovered a local Exodus ministry that existed to help people struggling with homosexual feelings. We invited the members of the staff to join us on one of our Wednesday nights. They came and shared about the root causes of same-sex attractions and offered ideas that would help us to help our friends deal with the temptations and struggles in their relationship. As a result, I started attending one of the Exodus support groups meant specifically for friends and family members of loved ones struggling with same sex-attractions. After a season of receiving from this wonderful ministry, I felt called by God to come alongside men and women struggling with homosexuality. I then joined the staff of Where Grace Abounds.

 

After several years of involvement with WGA, I felt a strong leading to secure my counseling credentials so that I could work with women on a one-on-one basis in a clinical setting. Eventually, I graduated from seminary with a private practice already in place, though in no way was I a specialist at the beginning of my counseling career. In fact, it wasn’t until after graduate school that my real education began. That mountain trail conversation with my girlfriend would be repeated many times as I asked questions and was allowed into the hearts of many other women who were on the same journey as she. My clients were and still are patient and willing to teach me, and I am grateful. They have painstakingly painted detailed pictures for me with their words, gifting me with glimpses of their world.

 

It is these glimpses, and the understanding that I have gained as a counselor of women who struggle with emotional dependencies, lesbian relationships and gender identity confusion, that I wish to document in my book on female homosexuality. The research required for this project is well under way. I have interviewed more than thirty women (three+ hours each) and have begun to interview counselors who are working with female strugglers. It feels overwhelming, but I believe I have been called to this project. I sense God’s favor, and I trust Him for provision and resources to complete it.

 

I would treasure your involvement at any level. I covet your prayers for time management, focus, clarity and articulation, and for all the men and women who are assisting me. I am also in need of ongoing financial support to cover all of the expenses associated with research and writing.

 

I am so grateful for the support I have already received from many of you. Thank you for your faithfulness in prayer and giving. I pray that you will know the Father’s pleasure in you as you, too, work to expand His Kingdom!

 

In Him,  Janelle Hallman

 

 

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